Maybe I'm not good enough- (On my quarter-life crisis, procrastination and the confusion of adulthood)

 I'm scared. I have been scared for a while. I do not know what to do with my life. Nothing and nobody prepares you for adulthood. It just comes and slaps you in the face. And after you recover from that slap and many more after that one, you realize that nobody can really prepare you, because nobody is really sure of what they are doing.

 I have very limited life experience, and one department I am severely lacking in is failure. Not because I have been great at everything I do. Absolutely not. It has really been a combination of luck and not trying out things. Academically, I have not performed too badly, but outside of that, I have nothing else I can point to that I can say I have done, and I have been good at. 

One thing I am good at though is day-dreaming. Oh my days. I can spend hours cooking up scenarios in my head and living in them . I make up plans and watch them play out exactly how I would like them to. But lately, these imaginations have left me feeling low afterwards. Maybe because I am hyper-conscious of the fact that life just plays out how it wants to. One can do everything in ways prescribed to bring about success, and another person could just wing it and be the one to attain "success". There is no manual to anything, and that scares me shitless.

Although, I suppose the common denominator between those two people above is that they are both doing something. And I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I want to do things. I have different plans on things I could do, and I swear to myself each time, that it'll be different. That I'll both think and do, and not just think. I never do. I sometimes start but I never see anything through to the end. I am starting to think procrastination is my way of protecting myself. My way of preventing me from seeing that the thing I thought was going to change my life was just a thing that I was going to be mediocre or even fail at. My way of running from this creeping thought that "Maybe I'm not good enough".

Because, I delude myself. I believe that once I put my mind to anything and do it well enough, I'll be the brightest and best at it. But I would actually never truly know because I have never tried. So I get to keep the comfort of delusion. In the cocoon of procrastination, I get to bask in my brilliance. But these days, that is no longer working out like it used to. These days, I can hear the hand of the clock ticking. It feels like time is passing so quickly, and I am stood in one place, dreaming. Only dreaming.

 It feels as though I am seated on a high speed train that I am unsure of its destination and I am refusing to stop at different points and experience new things because I am afraid. Because I feel protected inside the train. But the journey has gotten awfully repetitive, and seems painfully pointless. The tracks are not smooth, and all of us on this train are at risk of getting blown up, being cut off, crashing or falling off the tracks at anytime. I am aware of this, and logically speaking, this realization should push me. Yet, I cannot seem to move from my seat. Fear has me frozen to one spot, feeling sick, and getting more afraid each passing moment that maybe I am doing this journey all wrong.