Consent (On the "elementary" bits)

 I was listening to a song the other day, and in this song, the artist talked of seeing a pretty girl at his party whom he tried to talk to. When he finally got to talk to her, she seemed rather uninterested and would not "conform". However, the line that followed after this was about him touching her butt and how she seemed hesitant. He continued about how he was convinced that she was capable of doing more, but for her insecurities. I hate to be this person (I do not), but on listening to this, I immediately thought to myself, "did she consent?".

Consent is as much a simple conversation as it is difficult. It is rooted in the right to choose, and is a crucial element in the formation of many laws, one of which is the law on sexual offences. It can be as easy as saying "no means no", and it could get more complicated than that. One area that seems to confuse people is about the continuity of consent throughout a sexual situation. A lot of times conversations on rape come up, I hear and see some dim-witted individuals talk about making women sign a "consent form" to avoid being accused of rape later on. In case it isn't obvious why that is a stupid idea, I'll spell it out. If at one point, one party to a sexual activity agrees to the activity, that agreement is void the moment they decide that they no longer want to participate in it. This could be two seconds after they had consented to that sexual activity. So, it would not matter if they have signed your rubbish form with their own blood.

In the context of sex and sexual activities*, one difficult area for people to navigate is knowing when someone has consented, especially in situations where a "yes" is not explicitly stated. Your very best line of action in this situation would be to check, and to keep checking. But real life does not always play out in such a way as to always allow for words to be spoken. Perhaps, people might feel awkward interrupting a situation that seems clear as day in order to ask for permission to touch the other person, or to ask for permission to progress from one activity to another. They might worry it could "ruin the mood" (and they might not appear assertive) and therefore might seem unsexy. It's worth stating that the consequences of a lack of consent are far more brutal, than a moment of seeming unsexiness, so you're better off seeking absolute clarity. It is also worth noting that asking is far more sexy than violating other people.

I am aware though, that life is not black and white, and so you might find yourself in such a situation where there is no sure way to seek explicit clarity.  You must be very attentive to the body language of the person. Let's go back to our beloved artist for instance. He was at a party when the scenario with the lady in question played out. Let's say before he grabbed her butt, they had talked a bit, she had gotten pretty comfortable with him, they had started dancing somewhere along the line, and the dance had gotten somewhat sensual, this does not automatically mean that she would be okay with a complete stranger touching her butt. However, it would also not be very shocking to me that such a thought might have crossed his mind. Again (and this cannot be overstated), he is better off leaning in and trying to ask her, but let's assume that the music was too loud, and the grinding too intense, the next thing to look out for would be how she reacts if/when she notices him moving towards touching her- if she moves away, if she takes his hand and moves it towards another direction, if she starts to change the way she dances, if she all together stops- these would be indicative of her not wanting that sort of contact.

Consent is as important when dealing with strangers as it is when dealing with those that you might be familiar with. It is important to state that marriage does not give you any right over another's body, and it is gravely disturbing the amount of men I have seen who seem to believe it does. That aside though, consenting adults through participation in different activities might thread lines which objectively speaking, might give room to non-consensual situations. For instance, they might be intoxicated while participating in sexual activities, some might be okay with their partner touching them sexually when they are asleep, some might say "no" in a bid to be flirty and have their partners dominate them (I particularly would not advice constantly doing this, but to each their own), and others might be very comfortable with violence for the sake of sexual pleasure. It is still important not to assume that your partner will always be comfortable with these situations. It's imperative you check in with them, and you look out for signs that they may be uncomfortable with that situation one time or the other. 

Oh and also, this apparently needs to be said, but if someone sends you intimate or explicit images, that does not mean they have given you permission to share those images with anyone at all. If they post the images on a public platform, we might all sympathize on the difficulty involved in stopping the distribution of that image, but if they take some sort of action such as deleting the images from a public platform, that is them withdrawing their consent for the distribution of that image. You would be sick to go out of your way to continue sharing them.

And for women, I know we have been taught that it is wrong to be sexual. We have been made to believe that it is bad to have sexual desires, and that sex is something that a man takes from us. Let us not buy into that narrative. Remember that we have sexual agency. We can exert that agency. We can choose to be proactive when it comes to sex, and not just react to it. We do not have to be people to whom sex is done unto and sex for us does not have to be something a man takes. Say no if you do not want to be in a situation. Use your voice and your choice when possible. Also keep in mind that you are capable of violating anyone's choice. Just because you feel men always want sex, does not mean they always want sex. You should check with them, and make sure to read their body language. Their refusal to participate in any activities does not reduce them in any way. If you feel it does, you have some serious unlearning to do as to what you believe "masculinity" should entail. The trauma of that violation is as valid for women as it is for men, and people of any other gender identities.

Consent is the differentiating factor between a very exhilirating experience for one person (or an unmemorable one) and years of trauma for another. "No means no". But actions are sometimes as important as words. Silence is not consent, and should not be assumed as such. I believe your partner's willingness to engage in whatever activities you would like to participate in should be a crucial element to how enjoyable that experience is. You are a bit weird if you do not care whether your partner is into it or not. But even if you do not care, it is absolutely disgusting to violate people. Let's not do that.

*this entire write-up is about consent in that context