The Not-so-boyfriend (On labelling romance)

 I've never been one for romantic labels. My belief had always been that with or without labels, if someone wanted to ride for you, they'd do so fiercely (It's at least what I would do), and if they did not, even the most rigid labels will not force them to do so.  But last year, everything changed.

I met someone .We agreed on most things, got along very quickly and very easily, and I was so enamored by this individual. I thought that this was "my person". We had earlier spoken about how we both were put off by the idea of relationships due to the pressure to peform and the expectations that came with it. The more comfortable things got, the more unbothered I was by the labelling of our romantic affairs. I remember thinking and saying that we were two adults who were enjoying each other's company and were navigating this new found experience with one another, together without any pressure. 

Due to the non-platonic nature of our affairs, it was safe to assume that it was some sort of "situationship". I suppose the idea of situationships in modern dating is this performance of intimacy, without the pressure to perform. This facade of exclusivity, without the expectation of exclusivity or fidelity. Doing the dance, but not actually getting on the stage; not following the expected rules of that dance. 

But even in the most uninhibited forms of dance, if you make a move (Move A), and then another (Move B), repeatedly, after a while, people begin to see that as the routine. They begin to expect move B, right after Move A. So naturally, I had some expectations. Ones I considered minor given that we were intensely playing romantic roles at this point. I had asked him to get me some chocolate, he had forgotten, over and over again. I had been largely okay with it as I had gotten the chocolate for myself many times since I made that request. Until one day, I found out that he passed the store that sold the chocolate, every day, to and from work, and it never occured to him to get the chocolate. 

In the spirit of good communication, I told him that I'm not blaming him for forgetting, as that is beyond his control, but it'll have been lovely if he remembered to get the chocolate particularly because it was me requesting. I jokingly relayed to him how sometimes I was afraid that even the nice things he did for me, were done out of general niceness, and not because of any particular romantic affections towards me. To my uttermost dismay, this fellow responded with "what does it matter?".  I explained that although it technically changes nothing in the way we related, once in a while, I would like to feel special and be assured that I meant something to him, just as he did to me. I thought this would be a very simple moment of vulnerability. I was convinced he felt this way, so I thought, he'd simply say it and we'd carry on.

That was when everything went south. He was immediately convinced that I wanted more, that I was using that as an excuse to hint to him that he had to start performing in a certain way, and that I secretly wanted a relationship. I had none of this in mind. Yet, every action I took was given a new meaning and was scrutinized as a secret code hinting at a relationship. To me though, nothing had to take on new meaning. To me, the things I had spoken about went without saying. They were naturally born out of such intense romantic involvements. They simply were included in the routine of this particular dance.

It was through this painful and complicated experience that I began to appreciate labels. I do not necessarily give in to the ridiculously rigid rules that often seem to come with romantic relationships, but labels are an acceptance that expectations are a natural and fundamental part of human relationships. Labels serve as an enclosure for those expectations. An agreement between two people that they would be happy to meet whatever expectations they have for each other. For me though, labels should still not serve as the blue print for any dance. They should just show that two (or more) people have agreed to get on stage to dance, but are free to make up whatever rules they want for their own dance (as long as they agree on it). It certainly saves one party from doing the waltz, while the other moves for the salsa.