On Feminism (My perspective as a Nigerian woman)

 I read this zikoko.com article the other day where this lady had insisted that she preferred the term humanist and not feminist. Apparently, that was the only cause of disagreement in her marriage. Her husband would often call her a feminist, because according to him, she could not stand to watch a woman be maltreated simply for being a woman, and she often reacted in such situations. Yet, the term stung her so much that it would lead to disagreements in a marriage she felt was otherwise moulded to perfection, by the most high himself. I disliked this woman instantly. In a world that constantly tells you that by virtue of your gender, you are less; In a country where even within the concept of citizenship, you cannot exercise your rights as much as men can*, I think neutrality is a luxury we cannot all afford. 

If in your world, one particular group of people mostly seem to get the short end of the stick, and that upsets you (as it rightly should) but you refuse to acknowledge that perhaps a fight for humanity, would mostly entail fighting for the more marginalised and disadvantaged people, then perhaps, you might need to stop and think why you have refused to accept the reality of what you are fighting for. In the case of this lady above, her husband had drawn parallels with the term 'humanist' in this context, and "all lives matter", to which she pretended not to understand how he came to that conclusion.

Our society is so nauseatingly patriarchal. Even before I understood words like patriarchy and misogyny, I was aware that something was off. As a little girl I understood that I was stubborn, and I understood that I was smart(I use that term loosely these days because what even does that mean). I was also very outspoken, so a combination of these things left me in many situations where I was cautioned. I had a lot to ask, and to say, and even when scolded, if my curiosity was not fulfilled, I'd find a way to ask again. What I came to notice early is that each time I was cautioned, it came with forewarning, that if this attitude was not nipped in the bud, it would present a serious issue for me as a woman. It was not just the way I acted, it was the way I sat, the way I walked, the way I talked, the skills I learned. Every single thing I did or did not do was supposed to shape me for whatever duty womanhood entailed.

And then I grew up, and I started to understand what was going on. And something in my spirit vehemently rejected these ideals of womanhood. I should be able to speak my mind and to question things I do not understand. Being of a certain gender should not determine how much of that I was allowed. It helped that I grew up with an unrelenting mother who was constantly speaking her mind (the caution that I received as a child, were disapprovals in her case as an Adult woman), so I do not think I got to imbibe the subservience and meekness that was expected of me as a woman. I did not know how to present as such, even if I tried my hardest. And believe me, sometimes, as a young woman, I was determined to be "seen and not heard", to tone down my voice, and to talk in a higher pitch, to not be so opinionated, to be less daunting, and to try to not be too intimidating. 

For me, I did not choose feminism. It only was the natural order of things for me to have adopted its mantra in a society that already frowned upon me for what I believe is my nature. Not too long ago, my mother had just stumbled upon the word 'feminist' and called me with excitement saying, "Do you know I'm a feminist? I did not even know the word but I think I'm feminist". There was obvious glee in her voice and I think it came from finally understanding that it's not wrong to have believed all these years, when voices were telling you differently, that you are equal to a man; you deserve to take up spaces that they do, and sit at tables where they seat, and the limitations placed upon you by society were unjustified, and you were right to feel angry at that. 

I never for one day believed that being a girl made me less, in any ramification. Yet, I have been met with situations where my autonomy has been ridiculed. I remember saying to a group of young women that I would not like to have more than two kids. They laughed at me and told me that it was not up to me, and if my husband wanted more than two kids, that is what it'd be. Their response was in such a patronising manner, that I wondered if I had gone crazy. My own body? I alone would have to bear the life-threatening, life-altering burden of pregnancy and labour, and yet, it was not up to me to decide how many times I would like to do that? And do not get me started on the topic of cooking, or domestic chores. If I do not learn basic life skills, should it not be troubling that perhaps, I am missing essential skills for adulthood? Yet it matters more because it'll make me a terrible wife. Everything you do is an audition for your duty as a wife. It is so fucking exhausting. 'Do not go beyond a master's degree', 'do not get your own apartment', 'do not drive a really good car', 'your job is too well-paid'. 

And you'd think all this sh*t stops once you finally get the role as a wife, but it only gets worse. Women have rejected admissions, job roles, scholarships, promotions etc because they fear it'll emasculate the man. They have sweated as hard for the financial stability of their home and not received any credit. If he is benevolent enough, then you get to experience the 'rewards' of subservience. If he is not, or when he is not, you are reminded of how little your existence is valued. The law does not recognize marital rape, and if your husband dies intestate, customary laws might deem you less important than an infant son, or might completely write you off if you do not have a son. Every bit of your existence is hinging on the men around you. Your whole life you learn to shrink yourself, to cower, and not explore desires or reach potentials because all you have apparently come to do in this world is be 'the neck to some man's head'.  F*ck all of that. To me, that is not a life I aspire to live, or I am interested in living. If my partner has a problem with viewing me as their equal and nurturing a relationship built on love, trust, companionship and compromise (based off of understanding, not of a master giving leeway to their servant) then I am uninterested in such an arrangement. I get to make these choices, and stand firmly in that belief because there are people insisting on equality and equity for men and women.

 I am of the opinion that people do not have to take on every single social issue, because it is not possible. The world has way too many issues, that if you try,  it becomes exhausting and it becomes a very heavy load to carry, especially because you probably have life coming at you from different angles. But I can theorize why someone who finds herself doing what feminists do, would refuse the term vehemently. It's the same reason that I tried to change myself all those times. I did not want to signal to society that I am destined to fail at the one role they insist I have been created to play. The tag 'feminist' automatically sends out some sort of signal, and perhaps for those who refuse it, there is some privilege they perceive they'll get by dancing to the tune of the patriarchy or by avoiding the stigma of a tag that challenges age-old structures of society. Perhaps, they are right, and I am yet to see what it is that they see. But for now, and as far as I am concerned, in this lifetime, I could never agree that a man is inherently above me simply because he exists as a man. Let's be f*cking for real. I find the thought laughable, and I am wholly, fully unapologetic about it.

*Nigerian women cannot pass on citizenship to their foreign spouse, but the men can. Section 26(2) of the Nigerian constitution.