What's a god to...(On religion)

 As a Black woman/Nigerian woman(living in the west), I am no stranger to the idea of pretending, or better put, to the idea of versions of code switching. I speak slower when I am not with close friends, I pretend to be excited about dogs, or to find certain stories much more exciting than I ordinarily would. I have gotten so good at showing excitement for the most banal things, that I actually now believe that they just might have begun to truly excite me. 

As a Nigerian woman I am no stranger to the idea of pretending or hiding- I pack my locs very tightly when I am visiting rather conservative Nigerians, and when I initially pierced my nose, I once found myself turning at an unnatural angle when I was on a video call with a distant relative. Before I fully embraced feminism, I am ashamed to even say that at one point in my life, I did try to come off as a much more soft spoken and agreeable woman.

Some of these experiences are shared between young people with whom I share cultural similarities. I could tell another African person that my dad got really upset when he saw my nose piercing, and said some rather mean things, and they would find the humour in that, and even share a similar experience about when they got a piercing, and how they dealt with their parent's reaction in that situation. But one experience that is absolutely isolating is when it comes to the issue of religion.

Recently, my mum has been bored, and has decided to play match maker for a couple of people that she knows. In conversation with my mum about what one of my friends finds very important in a partner, I mentioned that at the top of her list, was someone that took their faith very seriously. Naturally, this excited my mother, who went on to say that that is exactly the kind of person she'd want her children to partner up with, because a person who does not believe in God, is a dangerous person.

At that moment, I decided to be completely honest with my mum. I told her that I do not agree with that, because if that were true, then that would mean that she thinks I am a dangerous person. She went on to say that it would not apply to me because I get my idea of morality from what was instilled in me as a young Christian girl. I responded by telling her that I do not exactly think so, because I can think of many instances where I sat in Church, listening to what was being said, and finding that my spirit, soul and body were in vehement disagreement.

I gave her a few examples and told her that I had expected people to react with horror at certain stories that are normalized, but they just continue to be told as though they are acceptable. I explained to her that it was a constant battle with myself, and a lot of questions that were not being answered, and that I was constantly angry at this idea of an all powerful God who has chosen to stand by and let atrocities happen, without cease. I told her that especially where we come from, we see renditions of piety, by the very people who exploit, steal, kill and rob the nation.

I told her that we seem to have religious leaders who play god, and influence a poor people to give the little that they have, in hopes for provision,  justice, protection, progress, and things that should be fundamental human rights. Things that should never have been up for questioning. I told her that I understand the role that religion plays in comforting, strengthening, and giving hope to people, and I can appreciate it, but it did not do that for me, and only made me angry. 

I explained to her that I see people pray year in year out, and nothing changes. I know the different bible verses people use to comfort themselves when things do not work out, and I know the ones they use for gratitude. I told her that that is the way life seems to work regardless of religion, and accepting that that is just life has brought me so much peace. That we can do everything and nothing happens, and sometimes we do so little, and everything seems to happen, and although it sucks sometimes, we can only keep trying. She listened, and I felt as though she truly understood, because the discussion ended on a good note, with her telling me to know what I want, and stay true to myself. But I am well aware that she is my mum, and though she tries to be open minded, as much as her upbringing allows her to be, she is undeniably biased towards me.

But what happens outside of this. When you go out there and talk to potential friends or partners, or when you reconnect with old friends and realize that the more we grow older the more people choose their drugs of choice, and for the vast majority of black people I encounter, religion happens to be one of their chosen substances, and navigating that can be tricky. 

I could tell my friends that I do not want to go to Church because although I have tried, I just cannot seem to agree or align with, or find comfort in religion, and they would not find it very funny.

I could tell them that I would just like to have one conversation with my father, where he fully understands my point of view, without the added hope, delusion or influence of religion, and I would be met with awkward silence.

I could tell them that I am very uncomfortable being asked to pray when I visit the house of friends and relatives who do, and that I do not quite like responding every time I am around people who punctuate all their sentences with "God is good" or "Thank God", or people who offer God-filled solutions that do not move me to respond with enthusiasm, and I would see on their faces, visible signs of discomfort.

I could tell them that I am truly happy not believing, that I do not feel like I am missing anything at all and I have been more at peace ever since I made the decision one fortunate Sunday when I was 18 years old to stop forcing myself to love religion when there was obvious incongruity, and they would call me a fool (internally), and look at me with pity.

So for the most part, I force myself to say a line or two of prayer, and I listen to my father and respond the way I think he would like me to, and when someone says something about God, I mutter a "yh" or repeat their exact statement, and quickly try to change the topic so they do not sense that it was not said with conviction. And I change the topic again when someone says I should take something to God in prayer.

The thing about religion is that for those that take it seriously, it becomes all encompassing, rearing its head in the most unexpected areas of their life and conversation. So, the more I grow, move cities and meet friends I get along with, I often catch myself holding my breath, wondering how long before they let on that they are religious. I constantly ask myself how seriously they are taking it? How long before it is obvious to them that it does not interest me? How would that change their opinion of me? I dread how my unbelief would affect my relationships if it becomes too obvious- whether because we would inevitably tiptoe around certain things, or because people want to stay around people that would strengthen their faith. 

I silently think how much deeper conversations would be without the God element and how much better we would be able to explore certain emotions and conversations without guilt or without it being called faithlessness, or hopelessness, or without burying them under the mat of prayers. I think of what could have been. Like how much happier my father would be, how much more brightly his eyes would shine with pride if I was more religious. How perfect my new friendship would be if we shared Christian books, or went to church together; how much more easily I could stay at the homes of loved ones and be my full authentic self, and be accepted. So even when I am disconcerted, In order to not fully disappoint, I continually find ways to contort myself, in a way that I do not feel the faithful do, and I can only wonder how different things would be if they could simply stop to think and ask, "What's a god to her?".